Sometimes,
when it comes to my girlfriends, I don’t feel much different than I did in 5th
grade. Is it the same for you?
Back
then we traded clothes and secrets, and wondered when our periods would ever show up. Today, we still trade clothes and gossip - and
lament PMS and hot flashes. Not that much changes – most
women I know need their girlfriends as much as their spouses – maybe even
more. A girl without a girlfriend is like a fish without water.
What
is it about women and friendships?
They’re different from men’s.
Women share everything, often, and in great detail. We listen; we
empathize; we give our best advice. We don’t always solve the problems – it’s just the processing that helps. Hear that guys? We love that you want to fix stuff for us, but
what we really need is for someone to just listen. We just want to talk through it - and girlfriends get that.
The
tight bonds women form, though, can create a double-edged sword. When we invite girlfriends in to share our deepest secrets; we also open ourselves up to hurt feelings and rejection. Sometimes their feedback does more harm than good - unintentionally or not. Check out the advice I gave to one girlfriend
who wrote in about a good friendship gone bad. How would you have advised her?
Dear Diane,
A couple of years ago I met
Amy* and her husband Bill* at the gym. They are spin instructors and
co-instructed the class. Bill and I became gym buddies and chatted frequently
when we ran into each other at the gym. Amy didn't seem to be as interested,
but one day she walked up to me and asked if I would be interested in training
to run the mini marathon with her. I’ve wanted to become a runner and thought a
buddy would be a perfect way to go!
We started meeting at 6 a.m. twice a week to
run, but it became apparent neither one of us really had the gusto to train
(and I really didn't care to run). Our early morning workouts tapered, but our
friendship continued to grow.
Our families started getting together for dinner
once a week and we were chatting on the phone daily. Then I started gaining
weight. A lot of weight. 25 pounds to be exact. I found out later it was my
medicine, but in the midst of the weight gain, I relied on Amy to help me. She
helped me analyze my diet, my workouts ... but nothing worked and I continued
to gain weight.
She began to feel frustrated b/c she wasn't helping me and I was
only getting worse, so she sought council - without my knowledge - of another
instructor at the gym. Aaron* and I had become acquaintances and shared
pleasantries while a the gym. One day during my workout, he came up to me and
said we needed to talk after my workout. Jokingly I said "Am I in trouble?"
His response: "Sort of."
After my workout, we go sit in a quiet corner of
the gym and he begins asking me about my goals and if I'm meeting them. I told
him I was trying to lose weight, but I keep gaining and I don't know why. He
begins asking me how hard I'm working out. I told him I felt I pushed myself to
80% at the gym. His response, "bull****." He asked how many times I
was getting into the gym. I said 6 days a week. His response was again
"bull****." He proceeded to tell me I'm lazy and not working hard
enough and not really trying. Tears welling in my eyes, I asked, "Where is
this coming from?" He says "Amy asked me to speak with you."
I went home and sobbed the whole rest of the
day. I texted Amy and said we needed to speak after she got off work. I went
over to her house later and said "So, I spoke to Aaron today...." and
she begins laughing. She claims she went to him to help figure out new way to
motivate me. But she also knew he wanted to talk to me. While she had no idea
how he was going to handle the situation, I felt completely betrayed. She tells
me, even to this day, she didn't do anything wrong and she thinks the reason I
got upset was because I was embarrassed.
I told her I wanted to remain friends and work
through this, but she backed away. She was distance and cold. Then she invited
me out to dinner last night. She called it a "date." Even now I'm off
the medicine that caused the weight gain, I'm still struggling to lose the
weight. She asked me how things were going (in that area). I told her about my
SELF magazine challenge and how I did lose 3 pounds last week. She
congratulated me and then proceeded to tell me when I'm in the gym I don't work
out hard enough. I workout 6 hours a week. She's like "well, I've only
been to the gym for 2-30 minute sessions in the past two weeks and I get a
better workout than what you're putting in."
So my heart is crushed. Our families have become
so close and now I can barely stand to be around her. I don't know how to
continue a friendship with someone who thinks so little of me.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Dear Shannon*,
I understand. As women, our connections to our
girlfriends are so very important, so it hurts deeply when they disappoint us. I believe that some friends come
into your life and stay forever; some come for a season, and some come to teach
you something, and move on. It sounds to me like Amy is not necessarily
"lifetime friendship" material.
First - it not her place to "fix" your issue with
weight. Her role is to encourage and affirm you efforts. I'm not sure why she
took on frustration for your situation - it's not hers to "own."
Further, it wasn't her place to involve Aaron. His brand of tough love might
work on a guy, but rarely a woman. Personally I believe that only
"lifetime" caliber friends - the ones you know love you deeply and
who have your back, whom you trust without reservation - have the right to apply
tough love when necessary. Sometimes out of love a person should say the hard
thing, but in a loving way - never a shaming way. Neither Amy or Aaron had the
right to speak to you that way.
I'm a believer in forgiveness, and I think if you truly value
your friendship with Amy, you might consider sharing with her, in a loving way,
how much her words/actions hurt you. That you don't need her "help" -
you just need her friendship. Tell her you need for her to understand how her
actions affected you. "I felt really hurt when you went to Aaron and put
him up to talking with me..." Use that "I" message they teach
the kids in school! If she
isn't open to it, personally I say, slowly release her from your life. You, and
your family will make new friends - and you can do this slowly. Boundaries are
very healthy. You can love yourself by choosing your friendships very wisely.
You deserve better in my opinion.
I also hope that you give yourself a break on the weight loss.
There are so many messages out there telling us women we should be less. Buck
the system and LOVE yourself! Accept yourself first, and others will follow.
Eat right, get your exercise and focus on all the good in your life. Allow
happiness, joy, peace and compassion to radiate from within you - and what's
more beautiful that that?
I wish you the best and I hope I shed new light for you to
consider. You have the answer - follow your heart.
I hope this helps!
Diane
Chime in - did you agree with my advice? What would you tell her? Ditch the dishes or the reports for a few minutes and join the conversation!